Her mother had roused her in the middle of the night, made her get up and get dressed, speaking in urgent whispers. Wendla's questions had been hushed and then they'd left the house.

She didn't like the darkness, and she did not like the cold moon staring down at them. "Mama, but where are we going?" When her mother did not answer, Wendla was not surprised. There had not been much speaking since Wendla had discovered her pregnancy, and Melchior had for some reason been sent to a reformatory.

She was just glad that her last letter, telling him about their baby had been sent off, and how wonderful it would be when they could be together again, together with their child.

Secretly, Wendla hoped for a boy.

She sighed as her mother pulled her down a dark street and knocked urgently on a door. The door opened, and a man Wendla didn't know looked out. Her mother gave him money, and the man said, "Frau Bergmann, good. I'll take her now."

Wendla's eyes widened as her mother pulled her forward and put her hand in the strange man's hand. "M...Mama??"

"I'll be there with you...every moment," Frau Bergmann said.

"Mama? Don't leave me! Mama?!" But the man pulled her inside and closed the door.

Frau Bergmann looked around nervously...then bolted back home.

10 October, 1892

I don't feel good.

I wish Melchior were here. It feels as if we haven't seen each other in ages, though we saw each other just the other day.

Still, I can't help wishing that the person bringing me soup was Melchi and not my Mama.

I wish I weren't so tired all the time. The girls wanted to run to the footbridge but I couldn't keep up with them!

Anna seems terribly concerned but really, she shouldn't worry. She's got enough to worry about...I can't imagine staying out with Melchi so late...though heaven knows I'd like to...It would be marvelous to watch the sun come up with him.

But there I go again. I seem to be smitten.

I wish we could spend more time together; I do miss him so when we are apart.

I have been so very tired lately. I've dozed off in class every day this week. I fell asleep in my lunch today. Mama seems to think it's a change in the weather, since it's been getting colder.

I don't mind it so much. Melchi and I were together the other day and I dozed off in his arms. I don't know why he didn't poke me awake, but when I woke up, he was still there, stroking my hair and grinning down at me.

I love him so. I wish he were here now. It's so lonely at night sometimes.

Dear God, what am I feeling?

These days, I'm aching and wanting Melchi. Should I be? Should I want this? I don't know. I shall...have to ask him. He treats me sometimes as if I'm fragile and breakable. Maybe I am. It's terribly sweet.

I can't stand it sometimes as I'm waiting for sleep at night and he seems to climb into my dreaming. I'm reminded of damp curls between my fingers and his hands on my legs... and how tenderly he kissed me and how good he felt.

I know he has worries, and so do I, but they all seem to pale in comparison to what I feel right now.

Maybe it's not a very good thing, but maybe it is a good thing. I'd like to think that it's a good thing.

I hope it's a good thing.

The past few days have been the most wonderful days of my life. Spending time with Melchior makes everything in my life seem more colorful and full of joy. And I make him smile and laugh.

I don't really know what it was we shared, but now when I'm away from him it feels like something in me is missing. And when I'm in his arms, I'm complete and happy, happier than I've ever been. And when we speak together, it sometimes seems as if he's speaking thoughts I've had myself. I never knew it would be so wonderful to say, even in my head, "Yes, that's just what I was thinking."

Is this what it's like to be in love? He loves me, and I thought my heart would burst when he said it. I can't think but that I love him too, and I think I have for a long time, since that day we met in the woods and perhaps before.

I...rather wish I could tell someone how very happy I am. But a secret it is and must remain.

In other news, Mama is quite happy with me that I've been wearing my longer dresses. I don't think the fairy princess dress fits right anymore.

O what have I done? I've driven Melchior to madness, it's sure.

But I wanted to feel something. And I do. I feel like I'm dying. How could I use him so ill? How could I taunt him like that? I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I've got his journal. Another violation, I'm reading it. There are...some things I don't understand but others...I think I understand too well.

He's been tormenting himself about me for months. If I could just see him again, make it all right...like it never happened...


Oh god what's wrong with me??

I can hardly believe what Martha told us today. I can't imagine enduring such a thing.

And yet...I want to know what it's like. I wish I could take her punishment for her. Not only to spare her but to know what it's like to feel that sort of pain, that feeling...I feel so odd, wanting to know. Who would want to know that? And yet, I do.

I don't understand myself. But I can't stop thinking about it. It's as if she's stumbled on a secret feeling I've never felt...but then, have I ever felt anything? I only feel things when I'm around Melchi and I'm not even sure if that is a good thing or not. Sometimes I want to do things when he's around I'm not sure are proper at all.

I must be crazy. I wish I understood anything at all.

May 10, 1891
Sunday

Mama asks why I am so quiet. Of course I cannot tell her. What would she say? What could I tell her? How could I explain what I'm feeling, for the first time, feeling something real?

I spoke with Melchior, and he spoke with me, and we sat together and he held my hand. He whispered my name, and kissed my forehead. He kissed my hair.

It looks like nothing on the page, but it was everything. I could not concentrate in church today. I kept thinking of him. I prayed for forgiveness but I do not think there was anything to forgive...I did not feel there was anything to forgive.

And there was talk between us, the sort of things where Mama will shake her head and ask where I get my crazy notions. But Melchi, he looks at me like a person and not just a girl, though I suppose there's a good bit of both. Things I can't say to anyone else...I think I could say to him.

I dearly hope that it keeps up like this. I can't imagine not talking or looking at him again.

I hope to see the new colt at his father's farm this week. I think I may be looking forward to it too much.

I am fourteen today!

I had a very nice cake at dinner with Mama. I was sad that Ina couldn't come but of course she has to take care of the new baby. Oh, she is the sweetest thing, so soft and precious and helpless. They haven't named her yet. I hope they name her soon, you have to have something to coo at the baby, after all!

My friends were also quite generous with gifts. Martha gave me a pretty bookmark and Anna gave me new hair ribbons she bought in Munich, oh they are so beautiful. And one is in blue silk. Thea baked cookies for me, and they were quite delicious. Of course, I shared them with all the girls.

It's so nice to have girl friends.


I've decided that for the new year, I shall not hold grudges. Life is too wonderful to be angry and hurt.

I do not think I will be able to stave off long dresses this year...so while I can, I shall be a beautiful fairy princess, doing good for everyone! I started on Saturday, by taking the food and clothes to the poor people.

I do hope it will be a lovely, lovely summer! Who knows how long all of us will be together!

My birthday is in three days. I shall be fourteen at last. Of course, everyone else will soon be fifteen, so my joy is short-lived. Sometimes I hate being the youngest of my friends.

Mama is making me new dresses. They're pretty but why do they have to be so long?

The recital was very nice, and I thought that Georg was wonderful, and obviously Anna did too. It looks like they're now an item. Marianna Wheelan talked to Otto the whole time she was at the reception. I wonder what will come of that. Mama says that Frau Wheelan is far too proud of her daughter's looks and that it can only come to Marianna's downfall.

I haven't seen Ina in weeks--Mama says she has the flu. I am so worried for her. I hope that she will be all right. Mama says that she's sure Ina will be just fine but it's hard for me to believe when I haven't seen her.


Things are changing and I wish I could ask Melchi about them. I miss him, and my resolve to stop looking at him is weakening. Why does everything have to change and get complicated?

I'm terribly worried about Anna.

She came over today and she looked so sickly and tired that Mama nearly sent her straight home. But when she was upstairs in my room, she said it was only because she was so desperately worried about her corset fitting.

And about Georg.

Can't she see that he likes her? How silly. Even I can see that and I'm not that observant. And all she does is fret over her French and the classes that she's entirely too young for.

And Mama thinks that Anna is entirely too young for corsets. I'm glad because I do not want them yet. Though Mama is already making my dresses a little too long.


I don't know how Anna does all this and still remain sane.



Also, Melchior is terribly rude and it's fine that he doesn't want to talk to me.


So there.

When I saw him lying on the ground I thought he was dead and I thought that I'd die, too.



I hate this.



My birthday is next month. I shall be fourteen years old. It seems like all of my friends have been fourteen for a lot longer than me. Anna has confided in me that she's going to Munich to get corsets made in a couple of weeks. She seems very excited.

I almost...don't want to be older. I like being me too much. There's too much I don't know! I don't want to be older.

I did well on my middle-terms, top of the class except in crocheting--I never did like crocheting. But I'm glad Anna did well. And her marks were much better. She looked terribly happy.

Mama is letting her stay over on Saturday. It's been ever so long since we've had her as a guest and I'm very excited. We're going to make taffy. Hopefully we will not eat it all, so that I have some to bring to school for the other girls.

I have made a decision about Melchi. If he does not wish to look at or speak to me then I shall not look at or speak to him either. (though it will be more difficult for me! He's so very splendid to look at!) It is not fair that I should be the one put out by his incomprehensible behavior.

And so that is that.

What is wrong with me? I do not fear anything, not really. But there is something empty inside and it hurts. I'm afraid of that emptiness. It feels as if it's going to eat me alive sometimes.

I wake in the middle of the night and I feel so lonely. I don't know why. And...I don't know who to ask. I could talk to Anna but would she know anything? I really don't think so. If I said something to Ina, would she tell Mama?

Maybe I should talk to Mama. Or maybe just stay silent and see if it stops. I don't know.

...I know who I want to talk to about it.


but he's not talking to me anymore.

I do not understand why Melchior doesn't talk to me anymore. Did I do something wrong? Whenever I say hello, he just nods and walks away.

I guess there's nothing I can do. And middle terms are soon, I suppose I should study.

1891

It's Christmas, but I'm not thinking of anything even vaguely Christmasy. I'm thinking about Melchior Gabor.

I wish I understood the feelings I feel when I'm with him. They make me frightened but I also wish they'd never stop.

I do hope this doesn't mean that I'm shallow. He's very handsome, and all the girls have their eyes on him, it seems.

I wish I understood anything. Anything at all.